the only thing that i still believe in is you, if you only knew
by cappuchoni
Summary: Toni wasn't sure what to make of their fight at Veronica's speakeasy. Does she still have a girlfriend? Or a place to live? Having no idea where they stood, Toni heads home to get answers... and possibly her things. Set after Cheryl and Toni's fight at La Bonne Nuit and ignores the scene with Kevin at the end. My take on a fix-it fic for 03x15.


**It's 4:03 and I can't sleep**  
**Without you next to me I**  
**Toss and turn like the sea**  
**If I drown tonight, bring me**  
**Back to life**  
**Breathe your breath in me**  
**The only thing that I still believe** **  
****In is you, if you only knew**

Toni finished locking up La Bonne Nuit and Pop's in reflective silence. Cheryl had basically just kicked her out of her home, and she couldn't blame her. Part of the pinkette had felt it coming for weeks, but rather than face the issues head on she avoided them. She had thrown herself into the Poisons and her job, all the while ignoring her girlfriend.

Did she still have a girlfriend?

She didn't have the answer to that question, and Toni was scared to find out. Yet, at some point she'd have to head ho-… to Thistlehouse and face the music.

The ride felt so foreign despite it being the same route she took every night. The same traffic lights. The same passed houses. But everything was different this time. She didn't feel like was going home or that she even had a home anymore.

If Cheryl really wanted her gone, where was there for her even to go? She had nowhere else, and that reality was blatantly obvious to her. The Serpents would take her back, but that would involve giving up the Poisons which was something she wouldn't be willing to do.

She was homeless. Alone. And possibly dumped.

All for what? Because she didn't want to go on a romantic getaway her girlfriend planned for them? Why didn't she just say yes?

_You really fucked up, Topaz._

Toni stood outside of Thistlehouse for several minutes staring at the front door. She wasn't sure if she was still welcome. Should she use her key? Should she knock?

Ultimately she decided on unlocking the door and slipping inside as silently as she could muster. As she climbed the stairs she began to hear the muffled cries coming from th-… from Cheryl's bedroom.

"Cher?" she asked into the dark as she entered. "Can we… can we talk? Please?"

"Go away, Toni," replied a voice strained from crying that in no way resembled the Cheryl she knew.

_You did this._

The pink haired girl flinched. "If that's what you really want, I'll leave," she answered sounding defeated. "But, Cheryl, I would really like to talk this out. Please. I love you, and I don't want to leave. Not just because I have nowhere else to go, because you it's true that I don't. But because my home isn't this house, it's _you _. You are my home, Cher. And maybe we did move in together too fast, after all we're in high school, but I don't want to give up on us. If there's even still an us?"

"What's wrong with me, Toni?" Cheryl cried into her pillow.

"What?" Toni sat down on the bed and hesitantly put her hand on Cheryl's shoulder. "There's nothing wrong with you. Not a damn thing."

"No one wants me. I'm… I'm unlovable. I destroy ev-everything just li-like my m-mother always said." Her body shook as the sobs wracked over her body.

"Babe, look at me," Toni begged. "Please?"

"Just go. You're happier without me."

"Cheryl, look at me," the shorter girl reiterated. "I love you."

Slowly the redhead shifted and rolled over until she could look up to meet Toni's waiting eyes. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you love me?"

"Sit up," Toni prompted, taking Cheryl's hand and pulling gently. Once they were face to face she lifted her hand to brush away the redhead's fallen tears with her thumb. "You really need me to tell you why I love you? Because if you need to hear it I will list off every single thing I love about you, Cher. I could list a million things. I think it may be better for us to spend some time talking about _why _you need to hear it though."

Cheryl averted her eyes. "I don't feel like I make you happy anymore. I've been trying _so _hard. Ev-everything I do… it all goes _wrong _." She looked back up to see Toni looking back at, sadness glistening in her eyes. "I just want you to want me. No one ever has before, and I feel like I'm losing you."

"You're not losing me," Toni assured her. "Is this because of spring break?"

The redhead shook her head, "No. Well, not entirely."

Toni ran a hand through Cheryl's hair. "Can you tell me what I've been doing to cause you to feel this way? I can't make it better if I don't know."

"I feel like you don't want me anymore, Toni. You are never here, and when you are you don't seem like you want to be. I keep trying to fix things, and everything goes wrong."

"Is that what tonight was? You trying to fix things?"

The redhead blushed shamefully and nodded.

"Babe, sex is never a fix-it. I mean, don't get me wrong, that was _so _hot. And in the speakeasy. I knew you had kinks, but I never would have pegged you for wanting to that in a public place," Toni teased earning a smile from Cheryl. "There's that beautiful smile I love."

"I'm not an exhibitionist, Toni. That was hardly public. We were the only ones there."

"You have heard of security cameras right?" Cheryl's eyes widened in panic. "Don't worry, I took care of it," Toni laughed. "I turned them off before you got there. No one gets to see your body but me."

A sigh of relief left the redhead's lips. "I really thought we were okay after, and then you said you regretted moving in with me."

"I don't regret it," Toni corrected. "I said we did it too soon. Babe, we're still in high school. You're student body president, and I'm running a gang. We both have a lot of pressure on us already, and on top of that we're trying to navigate an adult relationship. We moved too fast, but that doesn't mean I want us to go backwards."

"So what do you want?"

"For starters, I want us to talk more. When something is bothering you _tell _me. Don't book fancy vacations or try to rob our friends. Talk to me, and I promise to listen. I haven't been doing the best job of that lately, but I'm going to be better at it, I promise."

Cheryl grabbed Toni and pulled her close, resting her head on the shorter girls shoulder as they embraced, "I can't lose you."

Toni sighed and pulled back. "Cheryl, you aren't going to lose me. But you need to be able to if that would ever happen, which I _don't _want it to. You are the strongest person I know. I think…" she paused, trying to think of the best way to say the words she had been contemplating for weeks. "I think we need to find you someone to talk to. I'll go with you if you want me to."

"Like a therapist? You think I'm crazy?"

"Yes, and of course not. I think there are some things I can't help you with. It's not that I don't want to; it's that I can't. Looking back I should have made more of a point about when we were staying in Sweet Pea's trailer after… you know."

The redhead closed her eyes, emotions filling her head. The HBIC in her wanted to scream, "Fine! If I'm not stable enough for you then maybe you really should leave!" Cheryl didn't want to be that person, not with Toni. "Okay," she answered. "If… if you think it will help us."

"I know it will, but more importantly it will help _you _. You're the most important person in my life. I never want you to feel like I don't love you just because I'm working or want to spend time with my friends. I don't want you to have one doubt in your mind telling you that you aren't good enough for me or anyone else."

Cheryl simply shrugged in response. "I honestly think you're the only one who feels that way."

"What do you mean? Tell me what made you say that."

"Remember the first day we connected? Not at the movies or Pop's, but earlier that day in the bathroom. You had heard me calling Jughead to try to ruin their couples' weekend?"

"I remember. You wanted me to get my _sapphic _hands off your body if I recall," the pinkette smirked. She purposely excluded the Serpent part of her memory, knowing the word would sting leaving her mouth. "Time have surely changed haven't they, Bombshell."

Cheryl let out a small laughed and shook her head, "I was trying so hard to ignore my attraction for you and push you away. You were so persistent. At the time it was incredibly annoying."

"And now?"

"I've never been more thankful of anything, TT."

Toni leaned close to brush their lips together for a moment. "Why are you bringing this up now?"

"I told you I didn't need a reason to do what I did, but I had one. I had walked in on them planning their little getaway. Things were so bad for me then. I thought I was their friend you know?" Tears began to fall down her face causing her pale complexion to glisten in the moonlight. "I guess I tried to invite myself, but I honestly expected they'd want me there. I was so stupid. Veronica told me I wasn't welcome. Couples only."

Toni's eyes shut as she exhaled, putting the rest of the pieces together in her mind. "And you weren't able to have a relationship like them because you were in the closet."

Cheryl nodded, "It wasn't only that. I was so used to never being included. For some reason I thought Veronica was going to be a real friend; something I wasn't used to having. Did I tell you when we were little, Jason and I, he insisted on having joint birthday parties? I _hated _it. I wanted one of my own with my own theme and cake and everything about me. I found out the reason when we got older. The truth was no one wanted to come to mine, and he didn't want me to know that."

"I… I'm so sorry, Cher."

"Before you transferred I was paying Ginger and Tina to be my friends. No one wanted to do it for free."

"Babe..." Toni reached up to wipe the tears off Cheryl's face.

"I guess when I got to the club last night and saw you dancing and singing with Veronica it brought a lot of those emotions back. Being unwanted and not worthy of having friends. And it being _you _and _her _after everything…" Her body began to shake as she cried. Toni pulled her close and held her until she calmed several minutes later.

When Cheryl finally stilled Toni pulled out of the embrace, "Cheryl, I am sorry you walked in when you did. That was terrible timing. I was on my fifteen, and some of the girls wanted to do karaoke. But I _was _working; I swear I wouldn't have just left to go hang out with Veronica without you."

"I know that, but seeing it. And that song…"

"Yeah, that was bad."

"So you don't prefer Veronica over me?"

Toni tilts her head and squints, "Are you honestly asking me that?"

The redhead dropped her head, shaking it as she did, "I'm just being stupid. I'm sorry."

"Hey, no. You aren't being stupid," the shorter girl brought her hand to Cheryl's chin to tilt her head back up until they made eye contact. "I don't ever want to make you feel stupid, and if I need to give you a few extra reminders while we work through things then that's what I'll do. I don't prefer Veronica over you, Cher. I don't prefer _anyone _over you. I love you, and nothing is going to change that."

"I'm sorry for how I've been acting. Emotions aren't easy for me," Cheryl admitted. "I keep thinking I can fix things without having to explain what's in my head, and all I do is make things worse."

"We've both got some work to do in the communication department," Toni said as she cupped Cheryl's cheek with her palm. "You with sharing, and me with listening to what you're trying to tell me. But don't for a second doubt how much I love you, okay?"

"Okay," the redhead answered. "Are you… I mean…"

"Am I what?"

"Staying?"

"That's up to you. I want to stay. Do you want me to stay?" Toni asked hesitantly.

Cheryl nodded.

"Then I'm staying," she replied with a smile. Toni pulled her hand away from Cheryl's face, who whined at the loss of contact, and stood from the bed. "Let me get ready for bed, and I'll be right back okay?"

Fifteen minutes later Toni returned wearing one of her oversized band t-shirts with her teeth freshly brushed. She plugged her phone in to the charger on her nightstand before slipping between the covers next to her girlfriend.

Cheryl instinctively curled into Toni's side and wrapped her arm around the shorter girl's torso. Toni snuck her arm under Cheryl's neck and pulled the redhead closer.

"This is the only way I ever want to fall asleep," Toni said stifling a yawn. "If I can go to bed with you in my arms every night for the rest of my life I'll be happy."

"I can't believe I almost went to sleep without telling you goodnight. I really thought…" as she trailed off tears once again began to form in Cheryl's eyes.

"Hey, none of that," Toni said quickly. "We're going to be okay. Right?"

"I hope so, TT."

"I'm going to do more than hope. I know we will. The universe wouldn't do that to us. We're destined to be together. I've never been more sure of anything," she told the girl in her arms as she placed a gentle kiss upon her brow. "We are going to be just fine."

"I love you," Cheryl said as she craned her neck to gaze upon her girlfriend's face.

"Love you too, babe." Toni leaned down to give the redhead another kiss, this one upon her lips.

They lay still for several moments, enjoying the closeness and staring up at the ceiling.

"Hey, babe?"

"Hm?" Cheryl answered sleepily.

"Have you cancelled that trip yet? The one to Quebec?"

"No, I was going to call tomorrow. I'll get it taken care of don't worry. You can go on the road trip. I promise I'll be alright. I'm sorry for reacting how I did when you said you didn't want to go."

Toni shook her head, "No. We are going skiing for spring break. I already have that brand new coat and everything. I wouldn't want it to go to waste."

Cheryl's face lit up, and she sat up in bed to look down at Toni, "Really?"

The pink haired girl sat up to join her. She exhaled a deep sigh, a smile across her face, "Really. I was thinking about it on the way here. You did this amazing romantic thing for us. That's what we're going to do. I think some time away from everything, just us, will do us some good. Don't you?" Her girlfriend nodded eagerly. "Plus, you're the whole reason I have the Poisons. You're part of them. It was wrong of me to plan that trip without you."

"You don't want to go to Mont Blanc because you feel guilty do you?" Cheryl asked, suddenly doubting her girlfriend's motivation.

Toni shook her head, "Absolutely not. I'm just explaining I messed up. Communication remember? I want nothing more than to spend a week alone in a ski cabin with my girl."

A wide smile graced the redhead's lips as she threw herself at Toni, embracing her fully in an engulfing hug. As she pulled back she began to excitedly go on about their upcoming trip. "I can't wait, TT. You're going to absolutely love it. I'm going to teach you how to ski! Well, I'll hire an instructor. I may be able to teach archery, but I'm not that masterful of the slopes to be able to teach skiing properly. But I'm hiring the _best _instructor! Nothing but the best for you, mon trésor. Oh and the scenery! We must buy you plenty of extra film for your camera. I can't wait to have a picture of us in the mountains. I know we have some from our road trip, but these are going to be snow covered. It's going to be so romantic. The cabin has a fireplace, and -"

"Woah!" Toni cut her off, the ghost of a laugh on her lips. "You can go over all the details with me tomorrow. Alright?"

Cheryl nodded gleefully.

"It's nice to see you so happy, baby."

"I'm happy whenever I get to spend time with you," she answered sincerely.

"Let's get some sleep, ya?" Toni asked, wrapping her arm around Cheryl and pulling the redhead down with her as she laid back down on the bed.

"Sleep sounds nice. Someone wore me out earlier," the taller girl teased.

"Well _someone_ was asking for it," Toni rebuked.

"Mmm, that may be," Cheryl confessed. She paused for a moment as a smirk crossed appeared at her lips. "Oh, and Toni?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"Don't forget to pack that blindfold for Mont Blanc."


End file.
